two semesters down, four more to go

my favorite girls


our clinical group

i've learned a lot in the past two semesters of nursing school. so much.

i've learned that i'm rather freaked out about my own body. it's something they call intern's syndrome... as soon as you start learning and diagnosing everything that can go wrong with you, you feel like you have it. i've absolutely been feeling this and it's not so much fun. it's manifested in my by feeling my pulse. so kinda every time i feel my pulse, i freak out. and since pulses are let's say, vital to living... it's become quite interesting at times. it mostly happens when i get still. when i lay in bed at night or when i'm really concentrating. i'm working on moving through it. i've talked to other nurses who feel the same way and one that has the same pulse issue as i do. it hasn't gone away and i've learned to just go with the anxious feeling it gives, to stop and be grateful that i have a heart that is pumping correctly and it's pumping well enough that i can feel it where i should be feeling it. and i'm learning to breathe into it. i've by no means mastered it, but i'm working on it, day by day.

today as i was taking care of two of my patients on the oncology wing, i realized a few things. 1. life is not promised. 2. you just never know what is going to happen and so you just have to be happy and do things for now.

a few things that bring it to light.

- my patient who had end stage renal failure. they went into do dialysis and her blood pressure kept dropping dangerously low. we had to call in a team of people to help her bp go back up, mind you this was a woman, i just gave a foot massage to a 1/2 hour earlier. you never know.
- my other patient is dying of luekemia that has metastasized all over her body. She had comfort measures only, meaning we help her to be comfortable as her body moves towards death. She is 71, comes from a family of nurses and loved ones. I was talking to her best friend who was at her bedside today. They've been best friends since they were 11, 60 years.... She is fine and healthy, though they have basically lived the same lives... you just never know.
-another patient on the floor is 26. she has cancer and isn't doing so well either, she had to come back from a country in asia where she had just moved to get treatment.... you just never know...

i'm not trying to be depressing. i actually find it optimistic. we are given this life, we have to make the most of it at every step. we can do everything to insure our lives are healthy and get hit by a bus or we can do nothing and live to watch our friends pass away in old age. we don't get to choose. we can make the most out of our time. we can love each other. love our families. take care of our bodies. but we just have to take it one step at a time. (ha.. i wish i remembered this when i am freaking about everything we have to do in school.)

all of that said, nursing school has also brought up how important friends are. i have so many amazing friends. i am always so thankful for them. and the cool thing is, i've made more! this summer, way more so than the spring has brought an amazing group of friends i don't know what i'd so without! the keep me sane, in this insane world, especially our summer program. i am thankful we can study, go to the beach, play rock band, and help each other with our work.

so i guess i'm just thankful. i'm thankful that summer school is over and that i have 10 days off. i am excited to relax and just be and i'm glad i'm here on this little patch of earth. i hope that i can give back as much as i've been given.